Mountains are beautiful. Period. End of blog.
Just kidding. Over the last decade I have fantasized about the mysteries, stories, and beauty of the mountains. In fact, it was there that I started to develop and build my relationship with God. So I think it is safe to say that I hold a reverence and spiritual connotation with those mighty stones.
It has been quite some time since I have written publicly about my journey onward and I think it is time for processing and reflection. It has been almost a month since I have last published anything but I have continued to write. During this time some things have happened that has forced me to take some time to grit my teeth and climb. But not alone. There’s the kicker.
So many times I feel like I am alone and I have to fend off the demons and goblins on my own, just like the hero I was in my own backyard at eight years old. And sometimes, life feels a lot like that. We feel like we are alone to kick down the door and throw the dagger at the serpent, or take the crossbow from the wall and take the last shot to save the kingdom from total annihilation. Although life can feel like this, there is always reserve forces that can serve as your front line.
The power of relationship. I’m not talking about the cheesy “ohhhh the answer to our problems is having a friend to talk to..” Not exactly. Although that is important and definitely necessary, it is not the entirety of that power. You have to talk. You have to initiate, stretch, and reach. This is one that hit me like a truck in these last couple of weeks.
Sometimes I think that as a superhero I can save the world just because of who I am. Yeah, that’s my pride sneaking into this, but yes, sometimes I genuinely think that. But it would be so much easier if I took the time to talk and truly communicate the process I go through with those around me. Yeah, the issue with that for me is TAKING THE TIME.
Patience is a virtue, yet, I treat it like an obstacle. I am taking this auditioning class and in this class I have been told that I work in extremes. I am either all in or not in whatsoever. I am ready to jump off a cliff or I stay as far away from the cliff as possible. (Side Note: if any of you are looking to do something adventurous at anytime whatsoever, LET ME KNOW). But the problem with me living in extremes is that there is no patience in that equation.
Currently I am in the midst of some painful, yet really awesome, reconciliation. Through this process I have found that taking the time to communicate and actually talk is key to some healing that I didn’t know I needed. This has included reconciliation not only with others but also with myself and with God. And it has sucked. But it has also been really awesome. You know what I mean?
I said in one of my first blogs that we need to “default to trust,” I will reiterate that but reword it in a slightly different way. Yes, we need to default to trust, but we also need to do it for ourselves. We need to trust ourselves and allow for us to feel. Take the time to feel.
Recently I watched a movie by myself that got my gears turning towards the importance of reconciliation. I watched Beautiful Boy starring Steve Carell and Timothée Chalamet, and it absolutely wrecked me. It is a movie based on the biography of a true story between David and Nic Sheff, a father and a son dealing with addiction. I’m not going to go much into it but I highly recommend it, as it honestly and accurately portrays this relationship extremely well. I mention it because I have been reading up on it, and in David’s book he says something that really moved me;
“Why does it help to read others’ stories? It is not only that misery loves company, because (I learned) misery is too self-absorbed to want much company. Others’ experiences did help with my emotional struggle…”
― David Sheff, Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction
I love this quote because people ask me all the time why I watch/read/breath in some sensitive or emotional material and David Sheff communicates quite well what I think. It also iterates the toxicity of living in your own misery, alone. The experiences of others and being with them is crucial in healing. Also, when you read his book, or watch the movie, this quote truly develops weight to the words.
Although I am in a season of discomfort at the moment, it is a season that I am needing to walk through in order to experience reconciliation. I am climbing that mountain, as difficult as it may be. About four weeks ago I got a tattoo of what my sister drew which is seen towards the beginning of this blog. (The story of the tattoo tends to be quite long because I just talk a lot, but if you are willing to listen I would love to share. But alas, this blog is not the place to do it).
Quite the blog. I know. But more is coming soon. Pray for me as I am in this season. I am excited for what is to come and I hope you are too. Keep an eye out and patiently talk, don’t be afraid of the unknown in reconciliation. I say these things for me, because sometimes what we teach is what we need to learn. Like I said, mountains are beautiful, the journey is long, difficult, but the view is worth it.